a letter to my grandmother.

its been so long since you saw me come out of my mother's womb. its been nigh on 18 years since that event occured. through this period, ive gone through a lot of trying periods. now is one of them. i still remember how i used to call you whenever i was bored, how you and grandfather used to bring me out for walks at ecp and at the playgrounds. i remember all the times which i really regret when he passed on as well. going to the hospital to visit him but ending up watching tv, throwing his pen at the wall when i was in primary one in anger after him teaching me, after travelling all the way to the west. how he sent me to some tuition or enrichment centre, always parking at the road shoulder waiting for the ERP timing to end. and when i heard it, i was shocked. i knew people would eventually move on, but i never expected it so soon. it made me realise how fragile our lives are. how easily they become shattered. when we were at the crematory, and when i was watching the coffin go in, these were the words i whispered. I love you grandfather. i love you so much.

so when i heard you were going for an operation, i can't help but start to worry. even during my paper, i ended up thinking about it all. and when i went to see you on fri, it just reminded me of back then, especially with the pulse measuring item on the finger, with all the tubes and wires. it made me just so very scared. scared of the worst, scared of losing you. i do not want to not say those words to you before its too late, so grandmother, i love you so much, thanks for all the things you had done for me, literally and sincerely.

i fear loss. that is my biggest fear. lost of friends, those true ones, church friends, close ones, lost of family members. which was why i was so worried and am still worried now. i don't want it to change, but i also must accept that change is a constant thing. but i just hope our friendship is not affected. lol. how ironic, we think along the same lines for many a thing, i understand what she means and her reasons for it as well. now i understand the conflict she felt then. understanding indeed comes with time.