ehhh sorry sia! dam ps! sorry for pissing u off this morning! im very messed up right now. sorry! sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry! :S

okay. how messed up i am now? very. theres still that great weight on my chest that is present since ytd morning.

im feeling very beat. today's convers......2 tired me, which one of them rejuvinated me thereafter and another seperate conver rejuvinated me a little. lol.... i hate back stabbing. i hate being in the middle. im currently in 3 middles =.= brilliant. and why do they all revolve around the same people? or rather person? ME??? dam stupid.

and those that can read this, PLEASE keep this to yourself.... For obvious reasons.

i hate the situation lidat. i hate it for a couple of reasons. im trying my best to restraint etc. and i had done so. to a pretty good extent. he finds that im still bugging her. why doesn't he get the point that we are not just ordinary friends. like seriously??? im treating her the same as i had before it happened. well, pretty much similar as far as i can remember. with subtle differences like not speaking to her in front of him, nor close contacts etc. seriously, that sucks. i hate feeling concern yet ALSO SUPPRESSING CONCERN? thats total bullshit. like wut sia, she looks down, normally i would just ask are you okay that kinda thing. but now wut, mouthing words, sms? WTF. literally. if i let my hurt etc speak, she would be hearing all the reasons why not to. after all, im stuck between in the middle of two situations now. within and externally. and they don't even know the entire story. LOL. and he says.........your style, is fucking pissing me off. im WARNING you, draw a CLEAR line. not speaking normally in front of him is Considered weird alr for the both of us. dam it lar. this is not annoying, its a pain in the neck. his a pain in the neck.

and those that can read this, PLEASE keep this to yourself.... For obvious reasons.

okay. i need a cooling off period. literally. im worn. i need a rest. the hols are a good time. time for me to slp and rest. hopefully i would recover! (:

the easiest to ruin a friendship with me is to breach that trust.

i used to give myself physical pain when i was hurt emotionally. rubber band on wrist, just keep pulling and releasing it. drinking alot of water, 7 bottles around there, before puking. lol.

how ive changed. from that immature kid to now.

i need to take it in my stride and move on now.... no matter how alluring you are, a birdsong to my heart, no matter how much you do mean to me, there is more than one star in the sky. no matter how brightly you shine, there are also other stars and i should not be blinded by one star to be unable to see the rest. i should not be holding on now, not suppressing my hurt, my emotions and my jealousy, not just pressing downs on the many wounds in my heart, but rather apply the medication and bandages. this hurt would heal in time. but like the two before this, i think the scars would remain. make that three times. lost a family member, got rejected by a close friend, lost a friend due to misunderstandings. lol... spent months to years to get over them.

lol. most of the time, the analogies that i give here are mostly. only understood by myself. and maybe my closest friends. but well, this analogy however is super obvious isn't it? XP

i would just continue to care for you. that is what it should be. i guess? im bleeding within. probably for a long time to come. any tears? they would be for no one to see, only for me to know

a letter to my grandmother.

its been so long since you saw me come out of my mother's womb. its been nigh on 18 years since that event occured. through this period, ive gone through a lot of trying periods. now is one of them. i still remember how i used to call you whenever i was bored, how you and grandfather used to bring me out for walks at ecp and at the playgrounds. i remember all the times which i really regret when he passed on as well. going to the hospital to visit him but ending up watching tv, throwing his pen at the wall when i was in primary one in anger after him teaching me, after travelling all the way to the west. how he sent me to some tuition or enrichment centre, always parking at the road shoulder waiting for the ERP timing to end. and when i heard it, i was shocked. i knew people would eventually move on, but i never expected it so soon. it made me realise how fragile our lives are. how easily they become shattered. when we were at the crematory, and when i was watching the coffin go in, these were the words i whispered. I love you grandfather. i love you so much.

so when i heard you were going for an operation, i can't help but start to worry. even during my paper, i ended up thinking about it all. and when i went to see you on fri, it just reminded me of back then, especially with the pulse measuring item on the finger, with all the tubes and wires. it made me just so very scared. scared of the worst, scared of losing you. i do not want to not say those words to you before its too late, so grandmother, i love you so much, thanks for all the things you had done for me, literally and sincerely.

i fear loss. that is my biggest fear. lost of friends, those true ones, church friends, close ones, lost of family members. which was why i was so worried and am still worried now. i don't want it to change, but i also must accept that change is a constant thing. but i just hope our friendship is not affected. lol. how ironic, we think along the same lines for many a thing, i understand what she means and her reasons for it as well. now i understand the conflict she felt then. understanding indeed comes with time.

what ive been doing for the past three weeks since that wed was more or less, attempt to control, give her advice on how best to proceed, shield her from the reprecausions from friends, battling within as well. all for what? to see her smile? to see her happy and unfettered? yeah... im stupid arn't i? well, isit time to take backseat? maybe..... maybe not. see first. i would always be there for you to help, even when im also very weary. im sick of life once again. at another very low point, which i hadn't reached since sec 1 and 3. pouts* XP

im on the edge of quitting society too, its getting really stupid. last training then, spent the entire session doing what? Learning how to make on stupid mat? like lol..... traditions are made to be broken, stupidity is not knowing how to change in relation to time. or rather, there are reasons why people do quit, tackle those roots and won't there be more man power? ive stayed so far is so not to pang sei my friends adding on to the manpower shortage. but im at the limit of my patience for just so many things. respect for some of the sgls are also keeping me in, my friends. but i think if there are agls coming for the trainings, lol.... i think i would probably walk out. after all, thats what i nearly wanted to do during otc.

you can't have the best of two worlds. compromises are needed to be made somewhere.

shit for bstats. not going to say much regarding that. no point.

chionged down to hospital, was damit, ive found another person that i gave the look to. zomgosh =.= was just very worried, couldn't even meet her gaze for more than a few seconds. my legs are still hurting now =.=

his pissing me off. im at my limit. in fact im sick of the entire situation alr. seriously, if that continues, im just gonna literally go solo. who knows? i may actually be more happy then. there is more than one rose in the bed of roses, some roses are red, black and blue. ive been picking black roses so far. why i wonder? cause they are exquisite? or am i just plain stupid?

spots? maybe by dissapearing, a wall would be gone. then there would be no middle to get stuck in right?

random thought.

omgeez. im getting influenced by qy? not a good thing XP

well, had a talk with her just now. dunno how it started. random too! HAHA! okay.... my sis just walked into my room, and said rawr with her hair covering her face. LOLS oh wells back to topic.

so we somehow for some reason were talking about bgrs. okay. kinda expected? oh wells so right. i said, i realised something, that bgrs cannot be solely dependent on feelings. cause well, obviously feelings change over time. but the other aspect, infact an important component is the bond, the empathy, the care and concern, the patience, the trust and above all, the independency.
obviously that partner does not make up a component of you. cause ur u, she she. but rather, that partner complements you. not like without that person, 'OH i cannot continue on' or 'shes essential in my life! without her i cannot live'. okay thats just plain stupid and immature. if cannot make it, come on, look at it from another angle. if cannot be a couple, why not close friends? haha. feelings can come and go, unexpectedly or expectedly, from viewing my friends and on a personal level. but there after, it depends on the two to maintain it. LOL! i sound like a love adviser=.= but lol. im discovering something new in a totally new enviroment. blogging these few days had helped me straighten my thinking. not like i have the FEEL then just rant and rant. but rather it helped me collect my thoughts. lol. emo attacks? once in a while. CONSTANTLY EMO? pouts* and Go and die! XP kai en the EMOER IS GONE! always always always. XP no longer coming back. (: haha!


is not that ive learnt how to kan kai. more like ive learnt the first step to acceptance (: haha! guess im always gonna be older than you in thinking? haha!

hmmm recollections ehh?

hmm. this time, had 5 emo attacks. lol. ive grown so much. used to be a daily one for couple of weeks onwards. well... i know now that im nearly ready for a bgr but Not yet ready. haha. oh wells. why hunger for that something extra? no point right? NOW CHIONG AH! ta. haha. a song that came to my mind outta the blue. with the constant at the beginning playing in my head as well, kinda unexpectedly expected that it would pop out sooner or later (: haha!

right here waiting:

Oceans apart day after day
And I slowly go insane
I hear your voice on the line
But it doesn't stop the pain

If I see you next to never
How can we say forever

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

I took for granted, all the times
That I though would last somehow
I hear the laughter, I taste the tears
But I can't get near you now

Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me goin' CrAzY

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

I wonder how we can survive
This romance
But in the end if I'm with you
I'll take the chance

Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me goin' cRaZy

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

there are a couple of reasons why im a christian. well, first, alot of the things within the bible is supported by scientific discoveries and proof. and the bible is also filled with wisdom. IF you can understand what its talking about of course.... for example 1 Cor 13: 4-7.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, It is not rude, It is not self seeking, It is not easily angered, It keeps no record of wrongs. Loves does not delight in evil, But rejoices in truth. It will always protects, always trust, Always hopes, Always perservres.


well, it teaches, and its great to have someone you can talk to anytime anywhere. though he does not reply, but trust in him, and all would be well. ive wandered from him recently. yet He had gave me a gift, which is to know such a great friend as you are. (: fortunate i am? yes, very fortunate. undeservingly so.

im able to relate to the melody. without the words, i can see a story behind it. and be filled with emotions accordingly. (:

bluntness is something that one would enjoy don't they? beating around the bush is just all so tiring. haha!

lol. to be honest, i never had learnt a song so quickly before. but then again..... it was easy and sounds nice slowly. so oh wells. im practising crocodile march or something lidat... DAM HARD =.= e sharp to f sharp. like omgoodness......


and im trying to find custom made music boxes. need to get a gift for my parents.... i discounted the dinner in the flyer... UBER EX =.= 300++ -.- like omgoodness lor. pouts*

Happy friendship day!

haha! so what if i have no valentimes this year? LOL! at least i can celebrate two occasions as well! MUHAHAHAHA! happy CHINESE NEW YEAR! may your takings be more than mine! XP and also Happy friendship day! to a long list of people. well, lets start. to lester, yee mun, ben, annabel, shi ying, hui ling, grace, janice, jeremy, jia en, mervyn ,andreas, aven, si yun, clarence, ken, christine, sandi, wei jie, kim, qin yi, kah ho, zoe, ben, elvina, jb, arnold, neo AH YAH i give up! just HAPPY FRIENDSHIP DAY EVERYONE! HAHAHAHA! all the best to the emerging couples as well! haha!

and its in order of primary school, sec sch and poly. haha XP

well, today we went to sch,

had remedial with cspy, couldn't get a thing in thanks to zc asking i dunno wut. i hear i got confused. and i don't have any questions intended to ask her to go through 7-10 =.=. oh wells. thereafter i went to the library, .........never noticed you all in the room if not i probably had zao liao. wanted to be alone then. and yeah... i was watching de grayman. lol.

thereafter we headed down to orchard,

went far east first to look at the things i probably would be buying to make one for her birthday. well.... alot of ideas came to mind. how to make it more symbolic as well. Music! haha.

then moved to ion.
saw kah ho's twin aka jiajia's bro. had mushroom cheese creep for lunch, walked here walked there, then walked to the atash area of ion. woah. i like that place. haha. got one art shop with wooden figurines. music boxes from 70 onwards, cheapest item was 40 plus bucks. im gonna get one of those in time. (: most ex was 2k i nearly wanted to faint then -.- then went to this really nice cafe within a bookstore. haha. one of these days all five of my cliques should head there. haha! primary school, secondary school, church, class and of course society. haha! well... thereafter i went into Prints and fufilled my promise to sy yesterday about the black book. i hope he didn't take it the other way around. well, and why am i worrying about how he would feel? cause his a friend.

my life is one made up of sacrifices for people. thats my purpose. i often do fail. but im not going to give up.

well, my last post would seem very weird to anyone who reads it unless they know the back ground story. but well, im just gonna talk about it in our blog okay? haha. oh wells. updating it for the second time today. (:

thank you Lord, for giving me so much in the form of a friend.

i was taking a shower when i realised something. i have no more wants. my only greatest want had been fufilled. that is ive found someone who actually can connect with me, understand and accept me. trust without reservation, share intimate details with each other. like a lock and key. that is why im content with my lot. (:

2nd time ive posted today. (:

the hollowness within has reformed. and this time is due to another. neglecting others sucks seriously.

a short one.

hais. im dam tired. its quite a good day for today. not for some of my close friends, which kinda made me a little low but well, for me it was. well for one, i had a really long and meaningful talk with a friend, trying to cheer her up etc another one would be my biostats results! haha. i was dam afraid i was not able to pass. now need work hard pass eoy definte pass le (:

reminders.

today was urgh. erm. let me clarify. it was urgh because of more or less something. they were talking about passings. and once again i was reminded of my grandfather's passing. zzzzz

well, lets zoom back. hospitalized from i think dec or jan in 2004 or 2005 respectively. i was just doing one thing then. gaming all day long. when my parents went to visit him, i just stayed at home to continue playing. when i do go and visit him, all i do is watch tv. at the time, i still had that sense of security, that bubble of safety, that assured me that nothing is going to happen to him, and i never knew how serious his condition was till it happened, on 21 april, 2005. it was speech day then. just ended performance. i was so happy and excited, borrowing jeremy's hp to ask my parents whether i could stay back for the pizza. then i heard the news. my mind was immediatly filled with this thought. its not true, its not true, it them just joking with me. i slammed my hand aganist the railing and kicked the wall. then through out the mrt ride, 38 mins long from clementi to kembangan i only had a thought and was in SELF denial. which was the same thought. when i reached my grandparent's house, i just literally went plop beside the stairs and started to cry, shocked to the bone.i still remembered i and a classmate fought when he was teasing me then. i just wanted to break his neck then. i still remember me crying in the toilet when i heard that he had left each of us grandchildren 5k. i just went, I DON'T WANT your money. I WANT YOUR PRESENCE! i still remember thinking of the past times when i really had a great time talking with him, his company, and also the things i really regretted doing. and most of all, as i watch the coffin go in, i said these words. I love you grandfather. I love you.


well, this clique is unique. haha. there are stuff we should do, like go overseas together AT LEAST ONCE! haha! an idea from one of them. lols. we do super random stuff like origianlly say wan go sunset to eat, then become bukit panjang. lol. talking about ghost stories as well. haha i guess my its just the thing of the mind thing which is why it doesn't affect me much. like i physco myself into beliving that it is not true. haha. XPXP

lol. and don't u just love it, when the place where you would had expected the most amount of concern when you need them, but theres neligable amounts from there? its obvious from my postings in facebook, but when i stay back on sats all they always say is complain about what my status is about how i phrased it, why did i even say something lidat. and how you love it when concern just comes from the unexpected channels. and some expected ones. when they just ask you are you okay when u really need that little push.

walked home again. DAM lar. i need to control my emotions like better. what the shit?????? totally lost it just now. emoed and was bleeding short tempered like what the crap. still lidat. EVEN AFTER WALKING HOME FROM SCH. even my favourite ice cream tasted like crap. i need to DO IT LIKE now to control,i need to be able to face it without being affected. ive accepted it, but dam it. it just comes out. and fuck it, even my gramamer is like crap now. wtfshit? was able to do it this morning. why not just now???i think i need to slp earlier. my cui-ness was one of the reasons why i was lidat. URGH. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck it.

update:
i know i made the correct choice. seeing her smiles when she sees his smses, the look upon her face when i tease her about it. i just need more time. a little more time.
updated our blog, and lol...im actually blasting music from my laptop now. emo music. lol. i know why u like them now. relate to oneself.

and it happens, once again.

well, today sucks. Like real uber big time. first was prac. next was a rejection. oh wells. im gonna face it not like a child, not emo emo all day long but well, i just respect her decision and well, REMAIN close friends. i think that is what both of us hope for outta all these. just let me vent it out here.

well, shucks about biostats. i know the result pretty much alr, and dam it lor. okay move on to training. i went to training with attitude. okay, somehow i expected it and well, it was a good way to vent it all out. and well, i did for the first part. the pt and stuff. next for the part making the stupid mat which i thought it a total waste of time was just me spacing out. i was literally slping with my eyes and faculties still working.

and now for a song that i completed today. infact just now.

of the stars in the sky,
you're the one that had done,
the one that had captured,
and ensnared me with love.

of the moon in the sky,
i would sing it to you,
of the wonders ive met,
your the one that i treasure,
your the sweetest of all that ive had.

now i look up and sigh,
and long for the floods,
down the once traveled tracks,
but there is no trickle.

it seems to be withhold,
giving great pressure,
through the me i see in the mirror,
mocking laughter comes through.

time after time,
hurt after hurt,
now i just wish for a gift,
the gift of celibacy.

i seemed to had lost my ability to cry. instead, on the way home, i was simply laughing at myself, at my own foolishness and stupidity.

this hurt more than the previous one, as i begun that with the expectation of it being rejected. but now, i started this with a spark of hope. and now im just dejected.and im just lying to myself that i don't care, that it isn't really affecting me. i realised it 3 days ago, and it ended. short and sweet. at least its over. back to normal i Hope

your the sweetest thing that had happened to me thus far in ngee ann. that is why i don't mind waiting for you anywhere and anywhere, now and forever.
your the one that complements me, and make me full.

one thing.

well, that may affect me through a distraction, BUT no, im not going to become emo, or whatever. thats so crap. i had enough of that last time, i think its about time i erase that ridiculous reaction.

infatuation or something more?

i guess this is the first time i fell for someone without realising it. one can say the barriers between the two of us are being broken down further daily and they are becoming more and more rare. a bond has already developed between us. but it is due to this that im feeling fear. i feel like im at the edge of a prepeice, one wrong step and i would fall into the valley beyond. this bond is something precious to me, as it had been one in a million thus far. im longing to take the next step, but there is just that one big thing that is holding me back. once again im attempting to journey into new teritories. i just want to take the next step, but there are just two things holding me back. just that two things. i should do something about it. yes i should. but after cell bio eoys. then 7 weeks hols then do something about it.


the joy out of all these is that i enjoy her company greatly. she makes me smile and feel great all day. never realised that till yesterday. never realised that it was one of the things that had been keeping me filled for the past months.this dear friendship is like one i had never experienced. literally and sincerely.