yes camp.... and other matters.

well, the yes camp. woah. that was the camp which i didn't really take much outta it. well, maybe thats not true, but i can't think of anything yet. so i shall break it down! with pics in btw!

the best pic ive taken this camp. i reckon. dunno who are the two people on the left. walked into the frame at the wrong time -.-


day 1. i reached in time for dinner. lols. i reached there, found caleb, and he said. your just in time. we just ended our ice breakers. lol. then dinner! i ended up serving the rice. then thereafter i got my food alr, went to one corner to eat cause no seats left among the ones i felt comfortable with thus i felt left out, which had been what ive been feeling for the past 1 and a half month. okay no diversions. back to yes. then night meeting. i rmbed seating with matthew and i was falling asleep. and i thought that it was a jumble of stories. and i didn't really get the main point outta it. then distributing the shirts. was running up and down calling people into the main hall. then was briefing for next day... in which WOW. we got to make our own station impromtu. LOLS! i just thought of pass msg. lol. then we were waiting for the youths to finish their supper, me and zi hui were sitting here talkin about our day. kinda dunno what to say at first but ice melted soon after. couldn't slp at all.



day 2. woke up uber early at 7.30 i think. then i went up and down and up and down looking for my grp. forgot ern xu was rm ic, not my group ic. followed him, sat down there then sister ee han looked at me, said i wasn't in her group -.- then went down and found my group. breakfast was hans...... cut long story short, ea table u see the same things. tomatos on the cup lids. then took the van to the barrage while the youths were rushing all around.. wish i could join them. hais. picked a spot. the windest spot. and also the sunniest spot. THEN THE WIND DIED_._ i nearly died of thirst too. lols. i went down as dark as ern xu. lols. then back to the home 1, and then....had lunch. forgot what it is liaos. hymn singing session. LOL! i was calling the hymns zi hui wanted to call, she was calling the hymns i wanted to call. lols. had a great time, sang till voice cmi. then workshop, which we slacked and waited. indoor games. LOL! caleb spelt thirteen as thirtheen. lols i was like lying there wondering why got 3 e-s. lol. caterpiller lost as well. only won at the socks throwing station. lols we all had fun. zi hui asked cornelius to get lays for us and.... dinner i ended up serving potatos and i had a huge pile of veggies. ate with kai ting , yvonne and i dunno who else. forget le. then meeting wanted to slp again... the only thing i rmbed was the tianmen incident. then supper... which was more like waiting for them to finish up again... then we, kai ting, kylie, tessa, celeste, jamos, justin, matthew, zi hui and mary were like at a table talking till 11. lol. we were enjoying our lays then as well. lols.

the reason for the THIRTHEEN!



LAST DAY! this time i didn't go wrong place. could slp! only woke up once and found myself in a outta place position. then... pek kio caps ball games. urgh the sun was hot again. lol. we were in the lead like continous? then i couldn't stand the sun liaos, asked bro elwin to swop places. running about felt so good. then dorcas kanna elbowed, went to the office of cc to ask for ice pack they bo. then celeste and mary were asking for water, NO water cooler. -.- then went to office asked again, this time they have! gave us 4 bottles somemore. thanks to the lady! (: really needed that water. lol. forgot my bottle -.- then.... this happened, that happened. and woah its over.

so ive settled it with two of them. left with one of them. who is gonna talk it out with me in a mass conver. man, this is affecting me quite alot. and in this matter, im not gonna be the one who takes all the blame like what i used to do most of the time in the past, rather, iron it out completely. feeling outta place there for 1 month is more than enough for me.

perceptions.

and all in all, what happens?

sensitive? ME? once upon a time that was true i guess. man. i find that im being what i was in pri sch all over again. one spoilt arseholic, arrogant jackass.

tell me tell me!

heres part two! guess! pic one is still empty! lol.

a picture tells a million words.

well, lets play a game. see what do u think im trying to convey in the pics i post up for the next 5 days, and see whether do u get it correct or not. (:

the summer, the winter.

one frigid evening, all alone on the road. one frigid morning all alone on pavement. one frigid night, all alone in a box. one frigid night, all alone in the dirt. one frigid night........

man. im tired. im tired of this crappy existance, im tired of this wearyness, im tired of this world with its human induced politics, im sick of feeling all alone all the time, i am uber sick of people talking about me behind my back, just freaking tell me whats the prob, im tired and worn out and burnt out outside and within and im freaking tired of life. 12 years of constant battles, minus around some months of carefreeness.

ive been in the winter for 12 long years, with a deary ache within me that has been fluctuating all the time.

waste of time.

hello kai en. (: lol. hi! whoever u were that typed this. im thinking its most likely jiajia.....

anyway i thought that we wasted alot of time yesterday... like one person give idea, all the comments come out before he/she had finished speaking. at every single person. not just one or two person. but at every one! like everyone give ideas within 5 mins probably finished alr. then discussion.... 4 mins max for each idea probably done alr. theres a time for something and everything. within 10 mins i shut up alr. the shells were closed with me, i got more and more annoyed then in the end i just had an outbust at the end. lol.

alpine perfection.

the title of this picture by the photographer is alpine perfection. i can really relate this to me currently. no, not saying that my life now is perfect. its not. in fact, im feeling very down and worn out again. after.....dunno how many months. how is this like me? the reflection shows a perfect image, but beneath the surface, there are the stones on the riverbed.

well, today was...... tiring. ive been uber tired since... I had the long talk with si yun. lol. enjoyed it alot actually. we sharing our problems and thoughts to each other once again. well, today i ate two pizzas in the morning. that lasted for me till.............. just now, 1030 something. had training, couple of times i felt like collasping, was in super bad mood cause i was tired, and i felt left out again when we were walking towards the pyramids. so i started emoing from the time we were at makan place till just now. lol. had become quite gd at hiding what i feel. at least thats my take. even today, this morning, feeling very... bad and uneasy about that incident last wk.... i just acted like i normally did. so back to sch.... i feel asleep during o chem.. couldn't help it. worst was i drank water.... THEN i freaking fell asleep. water came outta my mouth onto my shirt -.- dam ps sia. and yeah.... why should i be like.... tt? she made it clear, so well, lets conclude it (:

masks.

a mask here, a mask there. ive discarded the former and am wearing a new one.

judgement.

who i am to pass judgement on jb and jean? nobody. cause how would i know what is going through in their minds? i won't be able to tell. so regarding wednesday's post, i take my words back. guess i totally forgot the lessons i learnt in sec sch. jokes and external behaviour leads people to quick judgment. knowing a person within leads to understanding and empathy. i really had forgotten alot.points of views, empathy are important arn't they? yup they are.

inference.

well, i was having a chat with jia jia just now, and i said, i believe in this, that if shes happy, i would be happy as well, at least i would be content. and also, if well, better friends that nothing right? use the time to know each other better. that would be so much better spent. though not only her, but friends in general. a close friend is a valuable treasure. don't build up your treasures on earth the bible says. but they are more like my brothers and sisters (: man..... so long never ate with the churchies alr! this sat. (: bros and sister's catch up i hope! (: (;


end of sns yesterday....... somehow the things i can remember are playing computers, kim shouting at us, elvina shouting at us, the quarrels that all of us have, zoe having asthma attack, and finding out on the last rehearsal at the lt that daneal is inside the dancez. that agl shouting at us like crap and....... watching grp 2 perform like over and over and over again, the dry runs, the time wasted in lt 26 blah blah blah.

BUT the bonds that we crafted, chiseled with great care, the times that we shared together, the foundations that won't be shaken. lol. the chers were wow.... icck is also brilliant!


yet...... yesterday after the thing, i went out, look left, look right, all the cliques had reformed. i just took a drink and went off to a corner to emo.. lol.



and i told her yesterday. lol. kinda retarded. falling for someone that i know that its impossible. but nonetheless, shes a very nice girl.

lol.

lol. time after time, it always seems like..... me planning for other people's birthdays and other stuff here and there.... even though quite often nothing comes out of fruitation. lol. and its always the same, isn't it? year after year i hope for something. lol. and year after year is the same thing.no differences. last year was the first time i got a birthday present. besides the pri sch parties that my parents were so fond of throwing. like literally? lol. ive learnt not to give a damm, if not won't it be just one word? dissapointing. birthdays..... why even do i look forward to mine anyway? its not like its the day whence im the happiest or what. its not even like lifes great and all that crap. its just plain crappy shit.

its like im drifting away from them. its like.....
and, im so gonna get rid of those feelings by tomorrow. its like a result of influences?? plus attraction. -.- yeah yeah. i know. what a fool i am.

today!

dad's birthday today. didn't really get anything for him cause well.... he would find it a waste of money. well, we went jurong market eat his favourite wanton guo tiao tis morning... then went to jap gardens to walk a little while, then went to a nursery look a plants... Then. we went out to eat lunch.....at some chinese restraunt. dim sum. horrendously crowded. waited for 30 mins at least. we gave up and went oppositte and had our desert first LOL then we went back. we were lik at the table waiting for the last two dishes somemore.

lol. then went to see their concert. interesting.... i was impressed. either they really had improved which i hope so or else its just my judgin had deproved. lol. i recorded the entire thing down. (: those who wan it get from me! freaking 1 hr plus long -.- i like the gess one, i didn't like the yiss's guy's part. very ....... outstanding. doesn't blend with the girls. drowns them out in fact.

then.... RUSHED TO novena. and Bought some candies for three friends. lol. i bought a big bottle and two small bottles, in a rush also i intended to buy all big but no money -.- dam ex big bottle 10 bucks, medium is 5 EA! omgosh lar. lol. but well..... very nice. i like! (: then rushed to clementi

went to jack's place to eat dinner. the vension was.... hard. and small. not tender and juicy like the one at forgottherestraunt's name. hehe the crayfish was average... DROPPED SOME -.- and then! very nice tatters! (:(:(:(: and and and very nice marble cheesecake, like rock and ice cream lidat. hard like siaos..... then also cold and sweet. look up for it! (: in a chocolate cup! yummy! LOL what a day!

feeling the wind in my hair.

i don't mean the wind literally blowing in my hair.like it can even blow in my hair? like theres no hair to begin with. this really reflects on what i was feeling while sitting on my swinging chair..... in near darkness.... swinging and feeling the night wind gently blowing....... hearing the insect noises...... feeling relaxed. and there wasn't anything on my mind. till she suddenly popped into my mind.

selflessness? hmm. an analogy would be fitting here

scenario one. in the mrt, im the guy standing, theres a teen sitting in front of me, an old lady walks in and stands in front of them.... no one stands up to let her sit at all. i get pissed off.

second scenario. im the guy sitting.. an old man walks and stops infront of me. i think up of reasons why not to stand up. my leg is hurting.... i still have alot of stops to go..... they are too far away. but deep way below u hear a voice. stand up and give up YOUR SEAT!

its one thing to talk about selflessness and another thing to do it. thats me. unfortunately.
in relation, ive said i want to help others since like...... beginning of sec 4. yup. thats it. BUT till now.... had i done anything? no comment. you comment. don't judge. but comment.(:

encourage feedback. and of course HELPFUL critisim. its often that you should push aside your pride. and listen to others. its one of the most helpful things that would enable you to go on.

and. last but not least. all the best.for those strugglin with studies, those who are involved in sns. those who are going through troubles. those who require healing. those who are brothers and sisters, remeber to pray! it helps!(:(:

alone alone alone.

to say im alone doesn't do my friends credit. they are great and awesome people, whom i can, i think, turn to when i need. and i had turned to them. confiding in them, having heart to heart talks. i like heart to heart talks. its the things that well, how we share concern about each other and also learning more about them.

but i do feel alone alot of times too.many a time i just walk off into a corner and view the proceedings. the emptiness within was filled a couple of months ago.... but it had started to ebbed recently.

why i ask, that in all the people that i like, its always the same people. resulting in the same conclusions..

intrigue.

in life, people suprise me constantly. i learn constantly too. its like..... ive been a curious one from young. and curiousity does kill the cat.

today.. cspy was boring as usual. didn't pay attention during her bstats lecture. well.... i was tired. same as cell bio-.- watched a movie.... reminded me of kueh..... then biller's lesson. today wasn't really productive .......

hmmm. com toolkit tmw and..... LOL nice choice of topics.... all super easy for me to crap. i hope. AND its COMING! next wk. hmmm....... very nice. no comment. dance is gd..... and i would expect nothing less.... considering how they had practised. singing..... well i think i would be the screw up. last item..... missing beats here and there. hmm......

shit the feeling is still here. its not gone.....this sucks. isit an infatutaion or attraction or do i really like her????

stupid injuiries acting up....and other stuffs.

dam suck sia. all the class convers had changed to this..... 'hey you know right... today in school i saw a hot chick etc etc...' like their thinking is very narrow. all day long only think about girls girls girls. so shallow their thinking is.

and then...sianz... my back and legs screwed up again.... like after i frikking made up my mind to go -.- whattheheck. lugged the stuff i need to school.... then suddenly act up-.- retarded.
and waited outside the lt 77 for a briefing that never came.

hmm. regarding the stuff u were telling me.... i think the thing we can take away from it would be... next time if the ic of a group is involved in something that requires their attention, maybe appoint an aic too. well, learn stuff outta the negative comments. self improvement (: though well, balancing the two out is quite well.... difficult at times but anyway..... gd job thus far (: and....

why i didn't wan my dad to fetch me yesterday was due to.... well. he did fetch me the day before... and he kinda slept late due to that. and he Has to go to work the following day. lol.....is this what i would continue doing? putting the people whom i treasure before me, at my own expense? i have little wants or needs. i have one big want though...... and my close friends should know what it is. lol.

just the moon shining all alone.

just like the one only visible star in the night sky,
just the moon shining all alone.
clusters of trees all around me,
a crowd of streetlamps beside me.





maybe i should just shut up. just be what i used to be. quiet and alone. or i should really speak like alot less. i always feel like a leech, clingy and clinging to anyone here and there. move in and out of one group of friends, like i don't belong there at all. yeah, i have friends in society. clique? nah. im one of the solos, who go in and out here and there. its not exactly like my class, alot of cliques but still can come together as one big clique. like even that is becoming none. like man??? im just the extra out there.

if only i can deprogramme myself. and reprogramme myself. everyone has flaws, and im probably the worst screw up in the century. or should i say, the worst screw up since genisis. God created everything perfect. yeah he did, my zygote was perfect. what i grew up into, is nothing but one messed up person.


when people swear and curse, don't they feel like they are degrading themselves? so uncultured and uncivilised. doesn't anyone feel that way? well.... i do. its one stupid thing ive wanted to change since last year, reduced alot alr. thats gd.

i prefer screwing up one event that seeing a friend injuring herself. in all things safety comes first. not the performance, not the hopes of the people around u, but the safety and health of everyone present. thats whats most important. its never the result that matters, but the journey. though thats a different scenario altogether outside in the working world, but for now, its the journey that matters. the end is just a bonus.

today.

today. went gym... then..... booth.... then lessons... then..... sns. AND I CAN"T WAIT FOR MY BLEEDING NEW PAIR OF SPECS! MY CURRENT ONE IS SCRTACHED LIKE SIAO!

okay. lets ff to sns. b4 jia jia opened her mouth, i ALR KNEW.... what she was going to say. lol. its a love song... sing it as though ur in love. then somehow the question of the night became.... are u in love? lol. i would say. nope. im not. lol. it seems that in poly, alot of focus is on bgrs. lol. well... yeah. don't get influenced by the people around me!! (: and don't go around searching -.-thats super retarded. anyway, im glad that i managed to think it so throughly and maturedly. well, at least i could take something away! (: i write so much , with this state of mind i dunno what im writing also but heck lar. dam tired.

hidden treasures.

hidden treasures? more like valuable and treasurd friends. i wish to thank my friends in lsct who had recently gave me the push here and there to continue on, the words of advice and encouragment. thanks to.... si yun, qin yi, christine, ben, zoe, kim, safurah, jia jia.. shit im having a memory shortage now.... well thanks thanks thanks! (:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:

empathy.

why did i put a picture of a heart and titled this post about empathy? cause i was thinking through about the stuff that people had been telling me recently and me being me, drew out the key points. the parts that i should had realised.like me.... why did i start thinking recently that i wanna get into a bgr? cause of two things. no.1 reason, the influences. in class.... in cca.... it seems like either alot of people are in bgrs or are chasing some girl or guy. 2nd. the stupid lonely thing ive been feeling again. here and there. reminds me of a scenario last year. when that sec 1 liked me. at the time when we were more or less on quite gd talking terms, i gathered that she more or less felt vey lonely all the time. in pri sch, in sec sch, felt very left out. then i found out she had fallen for me soon after. it kinda freaked me out then cause well. it was the first person that i knew had fallen for me, she reminded me of my emoish past and.... i didn't wan to hurt her so i avoided her for the rest of the year. so.... i guess.... i can relate to how she felt then. in fact i can relate to what people feel when they tell me stuff. maybe thats why i can listen well.