When a Loved One Dies
Did you know that people grieve and mourn not only after a loved one dies, but also before? If a person really understands that a loved one is dying, he or she can take these last days, weeks or months to feel sad- but also to make the most of time that is left.
Sometimes this is hard to do. Just knowing that someone is going to leave may make it hard to enjoy their company while he or she is still around. You may have noticed this as friends prepare to leave town on the last day of school, or when you just want to hurry up and get it over with. You think that maybe that way, it won’t hurt so much.
If you can let yourself feel sad and if you can share this sadness with the person who is dying and with other people, you may find that something else happens too. You also get in touch with all of your love for that person with all of the memories you share and with the ways that he or she will always be part of your life. That’s why it’s so important to spend time with that person you love, remembering things together, talking about your feelings or just sitting quietly in each other’s company.
Some people find it hard to open up and do this when someone they love is dying. They are so afraid of feeling sad about the person’s death that they cannot stand to think about him or her at all. What these people find later however, is that they did not really save themselves from any sadness. They just put their sadness off for a later time- after the person has been dead for a while. What they did miss is not the sadness but their last chance to share their love. If someone you love is very sick, it may be difficult to spend time with him or her in the ways that you are used to. And the person may be going through his or her own version of fighting sadness- the dying person may not want to see anyone he or she loves, because it will seem too sad. This may be hard for you to accept and there may not be anything you can do about it.
Even if the two of you cannot share them, though, you can still hold on to all of your good feelings and memories about the person who is dying. You can make yourself a scrapbook of things you did together, go for a walk to places you used to visit, write in your journal about things you have shared or draw pictures to remind yourself of happier times. You can allow yourself to feel all your love for this person, to feel all the ways that he or she has been special to you, to think about all the ways that he or she will always be important to you. In fact, only by letting yourself have all the feelings about the person who is dying will you be able to let that person go when the time comes.
When a loved one dies suddenly, there is no time or opportunity for grieving before the death. Sudden death may leave us feeling that there is “Unfinished business”, such as having no chance to say goodbye. This means that the grief must start after death. That will be the time for resolving the “unfinished business”, by, for example, expressing feelings, writing in a journal, being with others who have shared the loss, reliving happy experiences and memories of the person who has died, and eventually, after feelings have had a chance to be expressed, letting go of grief. Even after that, hold on to those memories. It lets you see and remember the good times you had, and most importantly, the difference they made in your life. If you are feeling awful about not doing anything or missing that person, just remember, that if he or she had loved you, or had been a friend to, the thing that they want out of you is for you to be happy.
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