rights. so i Do wan a answer badly.

im gonna do it. and for a week. i want an answer. i really want an answer outta that mess. literally. i just realised that till now it. the situation within the family is crappy enough alr, somehow it seems once again to be all my fault. i really want an answer you know? like for everything to conclude once and for all. like wut i told one of them before, don't wan to let it drag out. we have years in front of us, i would rather prefer spending that time for us to know each other better, deeper etc. its like some of them i alr know quite well, but how many of them know me well? not many people i reckon.

thinking about my personality, lols, i never tell one friend everything. i always seem to tell them in bits and peices here and there. and i feel that we two are drifting apart. i sincerly hope not. maybe we should have another talk sometime.....sometime....

brilliant. jamoose is coming back tmw! I wan THE USUAL SAT NIGHTS BACK SO MUCH.

its been quite long since i last posted or anything. now, im just feeling ONCE again that im very spoilt. like very? like in the past 2 wks, i spent 175 bucks alr. wth??? the most i spent was okay 500 plus or more in china alone. both times its on friend's presents. not that i regret spending those money on them BUT i regret wasting my parents money and grandma's money majority ON FOOD???? OMGOSH.

that aside, they say my posts are emo-y, this and tt, this and tt. but come on? this is like? one of the only places where i can just spill my thoughts and just think and comment right? like i tell people, they Always get the wrong idea somehow. not gonna elaborate. cause well, im slppy and i wan to slp.

right. ive offended like 7 people in the past month. i think thats gotta be some kinda personal record. thats dam dots. 5 settled, 2 NOT SETTLED, ONE MADE ME WAN TO VOMIT BLOOD LIAOS _>_ LIKE LITERALLY. but oh wells, ive kinda accepted it liaos. so well, put it in the hands of God, i think i shall fast next week for an answer. in fact for alot of things that i think i should put a full stop to them alr.

llew gnidrager eht ylrebmik gniht, now im thinking, woh ni eht dlrow did i llaf rof reh? it got so crappy, so y-ome that practically nearly messed up my entire life.

dna won i rednow ohw ni hcruhc nac i like tsurt. its totally crappy. i rednow tuw iak tign did. URGH!

these few wks, besides that one matter that still troubles me, lifes been great. minus the sins. did some uber nice things recently, going to watch planet 51 and then flyer with sm and friends, then 2 family gathering in the last weekend, parents and sis are on plane currently to china suzhou, and i miss them. and them, and them and them and them.thats why i don't like hols. the reason i like hols is cause its slower paced and that i can have ample rest. searching for a design now. hmms...hope it would turn out nice. i stink at this kinda stuffs.

star struck

when i was thinking once again, in times of need, who Can i turn to. when im feeling down and alone, and want some companionship, which of my friends i can turn to? always time after time, this had been the thing that had been affecting me alot. like not just alot, its the only one thing besides study that affects me. thats why i treasure relationships, friendships etc. i treat my friends, especially the friends in my cliques and church friends as brothers and sisters, and show them as much care as my sister. and thats the reason why im willing to listen, even for hours on the end, till the wee hours of the morning. and that drains me alot. and also, it had been the reason that ive been longing for a bgr. stupid right? but yeah. especially when u see people enjoying this sort of companionship with another daily, for nearly the entire day. This is my want. my one and only want. to be close with a friend, someone i can talk to whenever and wherever and whatever the time and place.

But today however, i was struck by this video that a friend posted.

Greg Laurie and Nick Vujicic

though i skipped to the end, it really touched me. how great it is to know that im not alone, though many a times i may be really down and stuff lidat But all i need to do is one thing. Just one thing.

overload.

well, tomorrow i won't be going again case of sch work. and im still ill so yeah.
and now i don't give a dam about what they think anymore. and i think they are glad to see me not there.

okay. im sick for the first time this year. im am so disorientated, disconnected.

A bridge over troubled water

be that bridge of mine oh Lord, mend the rifts and recast out the foundations for the bridge once more. and help me cast aside this pot of boiling oil within me, and let me rest and heal Lord, and not be injured and weary.

yes camp.... and other matters.

well, the yes camp. woah. that was the camp which i didn't really take much outta it. well, maybe thats not true, but i can't think of anything yet. so i shall break it down! with pics in btw!

the best pic ive taken this camp. i reckon. dunno who are the two people on the left. walked into the frame at the wrong time -.-


day 1. i reached in time for dinner. lols. i reached there, found caleb, and he said. your just in time. we just ended our ice breakers. lol. then dinner! i ended up serving the rice. then thereafter i got my food alr, went to one corner to eat cause no seats left among the ones i felt comfortable with thus i felt left out, which had been what ive been feeling for the past 1 and a half month. okay no diversions. back to yes. then night meeting. i rmbed seating with matthew and i was falling asleep. and i thought that it was a jumble of stories. and i didn't really get the main point outta it. then distributing the shirts. was running up and down calling people into the main hall. then was briefing for next day... in which WOW. we got to make our own station impromtu. LOLS! i just thought of pass msg. lol. then we were waiting for the youths to finish their supper, me and zi hui were sitting here talkin about our day. kinda dunno what to say at first but ice melted soon after. couldn't slp at all.



day 2. woke up uber early at 7.30 i think. then i went up and down and up and down looking for my grp. forgot ern xu was rm ic, not my group ic. followed him, sat down there then sister ee han looked at me, said i wasn't in her group -.- then went down and found my group. breakfast was hans...... cut long story short, ea table u see the same things. tomatos on the cup lids. then took the van to the barrage while the youths were rushing all around.. wish i could join them. hais. picked a spot. the windest spot. and also the sunniest spot. THEN THE WIND DIED_._ i nearly died of thirst too. lols. i went down as dark as ern xu. lols. then back to the home 1, and then....had lunch. forgot what it is liaos. hymn singing session. LOL! i was calling the hymns zi hui wanted to call, she was calling the hymns i wanted to call. lols. had a great time, sang till voice cmi. then workshop, which we slacked and waited. indoor games. LOL! caleb spelt thirteen as thirtheen. lols i was like lying there wondering why got 3 e-s. lol. caterpiller lost as well. only won at the socks throwing station. lols we all had fun. zi hui asked cornelius to get lays for us and.... dinner i ended up serving potatos and i had a huge pile of veggies. ate with kai ting , yvonne and i dunno who else. forget le. then meeting wanted to slp again... the only thing i rmbed was the tianmen incident. then supper... which was more like waiting for them to finish up again... then we, kai ting, kylie, tessa, celeste, jamos, justin, matthew, zi hui and mary were like at a table talking till 11. lol. we were enjoying our lays then as well. lols.

the reason for the THIRTHEEN!



LAST DAY! this time i didn't go wrong place. could slp! only woke up once and found myself in a outta place position. then... pek kio caps ball games. urgh the sun was hot again. lol. we were in the lead like continous? then i couldn't stand the sun liaos, asked bro elwin to swop places. running about felt so good. then dorcas kanna elbowed, went to the office of cc to ask for ice pack they bo. then celeste and mary were asking for water, NO water cooler. -.- then went to office asked again, this time they have! gave us 4 bottles somemore. thanks to the lady! (: really needed that water. lol. forgot my bottle -.- then.... this happened, that happened. and woah its over.

so ive settled it with two of them. left with one of them. who is gonna talk it out with me in a mass conver. man, this is affecting me quite alot. and in this matter, im not gonna be the one who takes all the blame like what i used to do most of the time in the past, rather, iron it out completely. feeling outta place there for 1 month is more than enough for me.

perceptions.

and all in all, what happens?

sensitive? ME? once upon a time that was true i guess. man. i find that im being what i was in pri sch all over again. one spoilt arseholic, arrogant jackass.

tell me tell me!

heres part two! guess! pic one is still empty! lol.

a picture tells a million words.

well, lets play a game. see what do u think im trying to convey in the pics i post up for the next 5 days, and see whether do u get it correct or not. (:

the summer, the winter.

one frigid evening, all alone on the road. one frigid morning all alone on pavement. one frigid night, all alone in a box. one frigid night, all alone in the dirt. one frigid night........

man. im tired. im tired of this crappy existance, im tired of this wearyness, im tired of this world with its human induced politics, im sick of feeling all alone all the time, i am uber sick of people talking about me behind my back, just freaking tell me whats the prob, im tired and worn out and burnt out outside and within and im freaking tired of life. 12 years of constant battles, minus around some months of carefreeness.

ive been in the winter for 12 long years, with a deary ache within me that has been fluctuating all the time.

waste of time.

hello kai en. (: lol. hi! whoever u were that typed this. im thinking its most likely jiajia.....

anyway i thought that we wasted alot of time yesterday... like one person give idea, all the comments come out before he/she had finished speaking. at every single person. not just one or two person. but at every one! like everyone give ideas within 5 mins probably finished alr. then discussion.... 4 mins max for each idea probably done alr. theres a time for something and everything. within 10 mins i shut up alr. the shells were closed with me, i got more and more annoyed then in the end i just had an outbust at the end. lol.

alpine perfection.

the title of this picture by the photographer is alpine perfection. i can really relate this to me currently. no, not saying that my life now is perfect. its not. in fact, im feeling very down and worn out again. after.....dunno how many months. how is this like me? the reflection shows a perfect image, but beneath the surface, there are the stones on the riverbed.

well, today was...... tiring. ive been uber tired since... I had the long talk with si yun. lol. enjoyed it alot actually. we sharing our problems and thoughts to each other once again. well, today i ate two pizzas in the morning. that lasted for me till.............. just now, 1030 something. had training, couple of times i felt like collasping, was in super bad mood cause i was tired, and i felt left out again when we were walking towards the pyramids. so i started emoing from the time we were at makan place till just now. lol. had become quite gd at hiding what i feel. at least thats my take. even today, this morning, feeling very... bad and uneasy about that incident last wk.... i just acted like i normally did. so back to sch.... i feel asleep during o chem.. couldn't help it. worst was i drank water.... THEN i freaking fell asleep. water came outta my mouth onto my shirt -.- dam ps sia. and yeah.... why should i be like.... tt? she made it clear, so well, lets conclude it (:

masks.

a mask here, a mask there. ive discarded the former and am wearing a new one.

judgement.

who i am to pass judgement on jb and jean? nobody. cause how would i know what is going through in their minds? i won't be able to tell. so regarding wednesday's post, i take my words back. guess i totally forgot the lessons i learnt in sec sch. jokes and external behaviour leads people to quick judgment. knowing a person within leads to understanding and empathy. i really had forgotten alot.points of views, empathy are important arn't they? yup they are.

inference.

well, i was having a chat with jia jia just now, and i said, i believe in this, that if shes happy, i would be happy as well, at least i would be content. and also, if well, better friends that nothing right? use the time to know each other better. that would be so much better spent. though not only her, but friends in general. a close friend is a valuable treasure. don't build up your treasures on earth the bible says. but they are more like my brothers and sisters (: man..... so long never ate with the churchies alr! this sat. (: bros and sister's catch up i hope! (: (;


end of sns yesterday....... somehow the things i can remember are playing computers, kim shouting at us, elvina shouting at us, the quarrels that all of us have, zoe having asthma attack, and finding out on the last rehearsal at the lt that daneal is inside the dancez. that agl shouting at us like crap and....... watching grp 2 perform like over and over and over again, the dry runs, the time wasted in lt 26 blah blah blah.

BUT the bonds that we crafted, chiseled with great care, the times that we shared together, the foundations that won't be shaken. lol. the chers were wow.... icck is also brilliant!


yet...... yesterday after the thing, i went out, look left, look right, all the cliques had reformed. i just took a drink and went off to a corner to emo.. lol.



and i told her yesterday. lol. kinda retarded. falling for someone that i know that its impossible. but nonetheless, shes a very nice girl.

lol.

lol. time after time, it always seems like..... me planning for other people's birthdays and other stuff here and there.... even though quite often nothing comes out of fruitation. lol. and its always the same, isn't it? year after year i hope for something. lol. and year after year is the same thing.no differences. last year was the first time i got a birthday present. besides the pri sch parties that my parents were so fond of throwing. like literally? lol. ive learnt not to give a damm, if not won't it be just one word? dissapointing. birthdays..... why even do i look forward to mine anyway? its not like its the day whence im the happiest or what. its not even like lifes great and all that crap. its just plain crappy shit.

its like im drifting away from them. its like.....
and, im so gonna get rid of those feelings by tomorrow. its like a result of influences?? plus attraction. -.- yeah yeah. i know. what a fool i am.

today!

dad's birthday today. didn't really get anything for him cause well.... he would find it a waste of money. well, we went jurong market eat his favourite wanton guo tiao tis morning... then went to jap gardens to walk a little while, then went to a nursery look a plants... Then. we went out to eat lunch.....at some chinese restraunt. dim sum. horrendously crowded. waited for 30 mins at least. we gave up and went oppositte and had our desert first LOL then we went back. we were lik at the table waiting for the last two dishes somemore.

lol. then went to see their concert. interesting.... i was impressed. either they really had improved which i hope so or else its just my judgin had deproved. lol. i recorded the entire thing down. (: those who wan it get from me! freaking 1 hr plus long -.- i like the gess one, i didn't like the yiss's guy's part. very ....... outstanding. doesn't blend with the girls. drowns them out in fact.

then.... RUSHED TO novena. and Bought some candies for three friends. lol. i bought a big bottle and two small bottles, in a rush also i intended to buy all big but no money -.- dam ex big bottle 10 bucks, medium is 5 EA! omgosh lar. lol. but well..... very nice. i like! (: then rushed to clementi

went to jack's place to eat dinner. the vension was.... hard. and small. not tender and juicy like the one at forgottherestraunt's name. hehe the crayfish was average... DROPPED SOME -.- and then! very nice tatters! (:(:(:(: and and and very nice marble cheesecake, like rock and ice cream lidat. hard like siaos..... then also cold and sweet. look up for it! (: in a chocolate cup! yummy! LOL what a day!

feeling the wind in my hair.

i don't mean the wind literally blowing in my hair.like it can even blow in my hair? like theres no hair to begin with. this really reflects on what i was feeling while sitting on my swinging chair..... in near darkness.... swinging and feeling the night wind gently blowing....... hearing the insect noises...... feeling relaxed. and there wasn't anything on my mind. till she suddenly popped into my mind.

selflessness? hmm. an analogy would be fitting here

scenario one. in the mrt, im the guy standing, theres a teen sitting in front of me, an old lady walks in and stands in front of them.... no one stands up to let her sit at all. i get pissed off.

second scenario. im the guy sitting.. an old man walks and stops infront of me. i think up of reasons why not to stand up. my leg is hurting.... i still have alot of stops to go..... they are too far away. but deep way below u hear a voice. stand up and give up YOUR SEAT!

its one thing to talk about selflessness and another thing to do it. thats me. unfortunately.
in relation, ive said i want to help others since like...... beginning of sec 4. yup. thats it. BUT till now.... had i done anything? no comment. you comment. don't judge. but comment.(:

encourage feedback. and of course HELPFUL critisim. its often that you should push aside your pride. and listen to others. its one of the most helpful things that would enable you to go on.

and. last but not least. all the best.for those strugglin with studies, those who are involved in sns. those who are going through troubles. those who require healing. those who are brothers and sisters, remeber to pray! it helps!(:(:

alone alone alone.

to say im alone doesn't do my friends credit. they are great and awesome people, whom i can, i think, turn to when i need. and i had turned to them. confiding in them, having heart to heart talks. i like heart to heart talks. its the things that well, how we share concern about each other and also learning more about them.

but i do feel alone alot of times too.many a time i just walk off into a corner and view the proceedings. the emptiness within was filled a couple of months ago.... but it had started to ebbed recently.

why i ask, that in all the people that i like, its always the same people. resulting in the same conclusions..

intrigue.

in life, people suprise me constantly. i learn constantly too. its like..... ive been a curious one from young. and curiousity does kill the cat.

today.. cspy was boring as usual. didn't pay attention during her bstats lecture. well.... i was tired. same as cell bio-.- watched a movie.... reminded me of kueh..... then biller's lesson. today wasn't really productive .......

hmmm. com toolkit tmw and..... LOL nice choice of topics.... all super easy for me to crap. i hope. AND its COMING! next wk. hmmm....... very nice. no comment. dance is gd..... and i would expect nothing less.... considering how they had practised. singing..... well i think i would be the screw up. last item..... missing beats here and there. hmm......

shit the feeling is still here. its not gone.....this sucks. isit an infatutaion or attraction or do i really like her????

stupid injuiries acting up....and other stuffs.

dam suck sia. all the class convers had changed to this..... 'hey you know right... today in school i saw a hot chick etc etc...' like their thinking is very narrow. all day long only think about girls girls girls. so shallow their thinking is.

and then...sianz... my back and legs screwed up again.... like after i frikking made up my mind to go -.- whattheheck. lugged the stuff i need to school.... then suddenly act up-.- retarded.
and waited outside the lt 77 for a briefing that never came.

hmm. regarding the stuff u were telling me.... i think the thing we can take away from it would be... next time if the ic of a group is involved in something that requires their attention, maybe appoint an aic too. well, learn stuff outta the negative comments. self improvement (: though well, balancing the two out is quite well.... difficult at times but anyway..... gd job thus far (: and....

why i didn't wan my dad to fetch me yesterday was due to.... well. he did fetch me the day before... and he kinda slept late due to that. and he Has to go to work the following day. lol.....is this what i would continue doing? putting the people whom i treasure before me, at my own expense? i have little wants or needs. i have one big want though...... and my close friends should know what it is. lol.

just the moon shining all alone.

just like the one only visible star in the night sky,
just the moon shining all alone.
clusters of trees all around me,
a crowd of streetlamps beside me.





maybe i should just shut up. just be what i used to be. quiet and alone. or i should really speak like alot less. i always feel like a leech, clingy and clinging to anyone here and there. move in and out of one group of friends, like i don't belong there at all. yeah, i have friends in society. clique? nah. im one of the solos, who go in and out here and there. its not exactly like my class, alot of cliques but still can come together as one big clique. like even that is becoming none. like man??? im just the extra out there.

if only i can deprogramme myself. and reprogramme myself. everyone has flaws, and im probably the worst screw up in the century. or should i say, the worst screw up since genisis. God created everything perfect. yeah he did, my zygote was perfect. what i grew up into, is nothing but one messed up person.


when people swear and curse, don't they feel like they are degrading themselves? so uncultured and uncivilised. doesn't anyone feel that way? well.... i do. its one stupid thing ive wanted to change since last year, reduced alot alr. thats gd.

i prefer screwing up one event that seeing a friend injuring herself. in all things safety comes first. not the performance, not the hopes of the people around u, but the safety and health of everyone present. thats whats most important. its never the result that matters, but the journey. though thats a different scenario altogether outside in the working world, but for now, its the journey that matters. the end is just a bonus.

today.

today. went gym... then..... booth.... then lessons... then..... sns. AND I CAN"T WAIT FOR MY BLEEDING NEW PAIR OF SPECS! MY CURRENT ONE IS SCRTACHED LIKE SIAO!

okay. lets ff to sns. b4 jia jia opened her mouth, i ALR KNEW.... what she was going to say. lol. its a love song... sing it as though ur in love. then somehow the question of the night became.... are u in love? lol. i would say. nope. im not. lol. it seems that in poly, alot of focus is on bgrs. lol. well... yeah. don't get influenced by the people around me!! (: and don't go around searching -.-thats super retarded. anyway, im glad that i managed to think it so throughly and maturedly. well, at least i could take something away! (: i write so much , with this state of mind i dunno what im writing also but heck lar. dam tired.

hidden treasures.

hidden treasures? more like valuable and treasurd friends. i wish to thank my friends in lsct who had recently gave me the push here and there to continue on, the words of advice and encouragment. thanks to.... si yun, qin yi, christine, ben, zoe, kim, safurah, jia jia.. shit im having a memory shortage now.... well thanks thanks thanks! (:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:

empathy.

why did i put a picture of a heart and titled this post about empathy? cause i was thinking through about the stuff that people had been telling me recently and me being me, drew out the key points. the parts that i should had realised.like me.... why did i start thinking recently that i wanna get into a bgr? cause of two things. no.1 reason, the influences. in class.... in cca.... it seems like either alot of people are in bgrs or are chasing some girl or guy. 2nd. the stupid lonely thing ive been feeling again. here and there. reminds me of a scenario last year. when that sec 1 liked me. at the time when we were more or less on quite gd talking terms, i gathered that she more or less felt vey lonely all the time. in pri sch, in sec sch, felt very left out. then i found out she had fallen for me soon after. it kinda freaked me out then cause well. it was the first person that i knew had fallen for me, she reminded me of my emoish past and.... i didn't wan to hurt her so i avoided her for the rest of the year. so.... i guess.... i can relate to how she felt then. in fact i can relate to what people feel when they tell me stuff. maybe thats why i can listen well.

alone.

alone, on a frigid winter morning
casting my eyes around me,
the blanket of white seemed.....
ever so overpowering.
the cold ache within,
expanded a thousand times over.
and in my mind's eye,
i only saw darkness...
with a few spots of lights.
just like the starry night sky.

influenced.

indeed. after the talk with samuel,the conclusion was.... i think im gettin very influenced by the couples around me. feelin envious of the compaionship that i see, and as a result, i get a desire of wanting to get into one. what esther said to me yesterday was also very true. leave it all to the hands of God. why bother or worry? (: turning point in my mentality. im having a paradime shift! woots~

theory exam later.

sheesh im dead for my theory exam. didn't really study it, or anything for that matter. i guess this symbolises the ending of me learning music. fitting isn't it? end my ever failing music tutorship with another fail.

serenity

ahhh lesson was boring AND today was pledge of silence! -.- i forgot i couldn't speak! i answered a prank call from ren wei -.- and i ran about finding canteen 5 to help kim get her bag from ain..... turns out that i got the correct place....just didn't see aiin... nor did she see moi.... then..... i went and watched iron man... then i went to finish my case grader and csed till 4. then went up and talked with bingxin, renee , ren wei and kim. lol. she was showing her yearbook around. could recognise kim and muni like immediatly lol. like only slight changes. okay... then had an experience of an lsct society talk. from the sgl's sec sch.... to our pri sch..... to some i dunno what topic.... i thought i had offended some people AGAIN.......turns out both arn't. gd.

good friend. define a good friend. i don't think i am. in fact i think i suck as a friend. this crap that crap. polys starting to get quite crappy. yet it is still so much more fun than sec sch. in fact, much more delightable.


how often do u feel not at ease? often? once in a blue moon? like a star on the starry sky, one speck outta the many, blazing in its own time, at his own pace, at peace.
been queasy for 3 wks running now.... spurts of loneliness and weird crap.

woots today was..........

as usual...... the pictures mean something! lol. today i had a fall....... landed on my laptop -.- dam sianz..... throughout lecture i was thinking about her...-.- was writing her name on my cell bio notes. omgosh.. that is so sec sch all over again. sianz.... yeah..... she still likes him. can tell. same style of writing like last time in sec sch she liking some other guy. this is so dam sianz.... i know its a crush cause.... i don't really know her well..... so get over it! been there, done that.

yesterday though. MAN I LOVE MICROSCOPY! lol. easy like nuts.so easy get the readings and focusing on the blood samples! like the 2 hr bio practical test really taught me how to use it lolol! ending off here. its time to chiong freaking CASEGRADER!

co op.

lol. what a waste of time Again. waited till 7, or should i say gamed till then then started. warm ups round 5-10 mins, then sung 4 times found out that the speakers had went BOOMZ. like come on..... we get the lt maybe warm ups b4 getting the lt? like meet there b4 the time that the lt opens? get everything from the stores b4 the lt opens? start on time? where did all these go to??? we go there is eQUivalent to slack slack slack. the usual, game game game. -.- quality time..... for quality results.

the more people, the more confusing things would be. or would it be, if there was an assitant for every ic won't things be better? cause if the ic isn't there at least the aic can take charge. like during the camp, if the overall in charge is missing, with no assitant won't it become a total screw up? i wonder what would happen if...... we worked together very systematically, and organised. i think the results would be different.

the influences in np is really.... now i know whay people mean by the peer pressure in getting into bgrs.

flaws

life is just like this picture, reflected on the water for us to see. but many a time we ignore that reflection, not seeing what it would teach or change us. to see our own flaws.... to change and remove them.

darn pissed off-.- so its time to chill and understand.

kns. had the silent treatment for the second time lmaoz... why do i treat people differently when they treat me as transparent? lol... what a joke. being there for people when they need me, but AGAIN I ASK. how many are there for me when i need them? i count...4. outta 9. so far. VERNIASE -.- like if im shit in ur eyes just tell me lar. retarded-.- like i dunno when to dissapear lidat -.- don't bleeding treat me like an idiot. sometimes i ask myself why am i lidat?? being a listening ear and wanting to help others. yeah it gives me purpose in life but sometimes i really don't delight in doing it. maybe to really understand, to help, is to give with no qualms, no reservations, no thoughts of increasing something or gaining something. not gaining points with a friend, not gaining the respect from someone but rather, do it because u wan to do it, not for the sake of doing it. (: cooled down alr. why get angry over it? it takes two hands to clap, never forget that!

blogger is screwed

spent ALOT OF TIME yesterday trying to fix my dam blog when there was a stupid error. blogger sucks _._ com toolkit IS BORING -.- omgosh how many times am i gonna repeat tt???? was gaming till the cher told us she is gonna blacklist those people she catches playing com in class. so i had to stop. hais.... then mum fetched me and we went to fetch grandma and we went to my cus's place, had ice cream at the nearby creamery and end of day. tada. lmaoz.


credits

http://kylewright.deviantart.com/

http://www.deviantart.com/print/3707960/?itemids=199

ps. i forgot to take down the link for the third pic. so if u are the owner of the pic or etc etc pls tell me so i would and can credit u with it. (:

a spark of life

why give up on something so easily? is it because its the easy way out? lol. like this little tree, growing again from the remains of its former glory. the rewards may be greater if we just go through the thunderstorm, who knows what would occur?


today was uber cold. like during mak's lecture. was literally going into fits. must bring overcoat next time. then then then wad else har.... oh yeah bstats. WAS BORING AND FREAKING LOST THROUGHOUT. then 2 hr break practically did nothing. LOL.... besides gaming -.- then had had had mak's lecture which was quite okay suprisingly....then then biller's Tutorial! woots i understood wad he was saying..... unlike last sem.... didn't understand a thing... so all in all a pretty gd day. ending off with another pic! talimasu!






credits rad-ix for first pic and werol for the second

colours aplenty.

ive always liked the rainbows, and now i feel dam weird.or should i say normal since it had been lidat for a long time. empty within blah blah blah. i don't even feel like writing it down anymore.

humans.... why do we have such a complicated nature? two sides of a coin. i thought i was complicated. now i find im just simple. yeah. lets just make my life simple by doing what i wan to do. simple as that. or should i say the correct things that i should do. don't make it so complicated. (: not make my life a black hole but rather a rainbow, filled with joy and laughter and company.

credits for the picture =liek

a light in the darkness

a light in the darkness. hmm. thats kinda the way one would feel when they are down or upset. like they see something or feel that someone is like their guiding light, their source of help or comfort or rather should i say first aid kit.

hmm i always said i wan to help. but to be honest, in some cases i dunno wad to do to help. in others i dunno whether would they wan me to help.

today at sns.....WASTE OF TIME -.- lol. but hais its kinda expected. lol. and i think im gonna start..... emplifying ++'s example in putting pics on every post. gives it more life.

picture credits alexiuss

points of views.

the calm before the storm, or the ending of a storm?thats up to our own interpretation!

food for thought!

it really feels that way, a tree all alone in the wind, listening to the birds chirping, the insects chattering. its just listening, left out of the conversations.




after all this months, how many of them can i confide in? how many of them can confide in me? alot of inlets, only one outlet. i need ears too.

p.s. yh 256 had become my silent plea for help.


above, was what i wrote last sat. and nah, its been proven wrong.(: be sensitive to others, not just to urself. we need our own spaces as well.

feelin so much better

im feeling so much better. even though i didn't go through with my plan to slp the entire day, walking and sitting in the botanical gardens for a while was very refreshing.

the emo streaks coming back

well, ive mastered how to look unemo thats for sure. yesterday, today, no one noticed. at least not face to face. if they did then they didn't give a dam. well.....i still felt horrible like literally. from this morning till night. morning i woke up feeling still down, smsed celeste and we had a little talk and felt a little better after that. then thereafter during the meeting started to feel worse again, during the message my exhaustion creeped up on me and i nodded off. which was really sianz since the topic was on the holy spirit and i wanted to pay attention. then dinner. luke and john didn't go, dinner was kinda mac and cheese in silence.it was kinda a girl's nights out with the two of us being the odd ones out. maybe u can say me being the odd one out as usual. so in order, i tried to light a sparkler for jamos and succeded, then they went to look at make up, then they went cold storage to i dunno, buy something? then mrted home practically in silence with grace and jamos.-.- and i thought i had offended grace in some way. i really need to get unaffected by what occured in the past. hais. sianz. i wonder how long do i need to erase this crap.

down.

why do i feel down? lol. quite simple. besides being in my sec and pri sch clique, i don't feel comfortable anywhere else. i ALWAYS seem like to be clinging on to people, like a leech sucking blood or in this case company from people. lol. in church im always left out of the numerous convers, only rarely do am i included nowadays, in society? lol. always around the people i feel comfortable with. its like this, i can talk to anyone in both areas literally, but..........i feel left out. like today walking to mac, lol. i had time to emo the entire distance. hyper? LOL more like a facade. when had i let my facades down? lol. i have no idea. probably the last time was when i didn't had one in pri sch.

wants.

what are the things i want?lols. thats probably one of the questions i can answer very easily.because quite literally, i have very few wants. since from last year, i more or less only wanted two or three wants, and well i think i should share it. i think the reason why ive been like longing for a relationship is more like not longing for a relationship. but like i wanna know someone who understands me truely and accepts me for who i am. its not like i have no close friends. i have plenty. from pri sch till now can't use both hands to count anymore. they mean so much but still, no one that i knows as of now really understands why i do things in tt way or why i behave in tt way or why i react in that way. u can call it loneliness i guess. materalistic stuff? nah. i have a roof over my head, food, and clothings. what more do i want or need?

When a Loved One Dies

yes celeste i know.... i took this from blubberblu and kinda edited the end. well it was in a sense quite connecting to what ive been feeling recently so yeah tts why im posting this or should i say re-blogging this? (: okay.... im beat so im just gonna go slp now. tata. (: have a gd read.



When a Loved One Dies

Did you know that people grieve and mourn not only after a loved one dies, but also before? If a person really understands that a loved one is dying, he or she can take these last days, weeks or months to feel sad- but also to make the most of time that is left.

Sometimes this is hard to do. Just knowing that someone is going to leave may make it hard to enjoy their company while he or she is still around. You may have noticed this as friends prepare to leave town on the last day of school, or when you just want to hurry up and get it over with. You think that maybe that way, it won’t hurt so much.

If you can let yourself feel sad and if you can share this sadness with the person who is dying and with other people, you may find that something else happens too. You also get in touch with all of your love for that person with all of the memories you share and with the ways that he or she will always be part of your life. That’s why it’s so important to spend time with that person you love, remembering things together, talking about your feelings or just sitting quietly in each other’s company.

Some people find it hard to open up and do this when someone they love is dying. They are so afraid of feeling sad about the person’s death that they cannot stand to think about him or her at all. What these people find later however, is that they did not really save themselves from any sadness. They just put their sadness off for a later time- after the person has been dead for a while. What they did miss is not the sadness but their last chance to share their love. If someone you love is very sick, it may be difficult to spend time with him or her in the ways that you are used to. And the person may be going through his or her own version of fighting sadness- the dying person may not want to see anyone he or she loves, because it will seem too sad. This may be hard for you to accept and there may not be anything you can do about it.

Even if the two of you cannot share them, though, you can still hold on to all of your good feelings and memories about the person who is dying. You can make yourself a scrapbook of things you did together, go for a walk to places you used to visit, write in your journal about things you have shared or draw pictures to remind yourself of happier times. You can allow yourself to feel all your love for this person, to feel all the ways that he or she has been special to you, to think about all the ways that he or she will always be important to you. In fact, only by letting yourself have all the feelings about the person who is dying will you be able to let that person go when the time comes.

When a loved one dies suddenly, there is no time or opportunity for grieving before the death. Sudden death may leave us feeling that there is “Unfinished business”, such as having no chance to say goodbye. This means that the grief must start after death. That will be the time for resolving the “unfinished business”, by, for example, expressing feelings, writing in a journal, being with others who have shared the loss, reliving happy experiences and memories of the person who has died, and eventually, after feelings have had a chance to be expressed, letting go of grief. Even after that, hold on to those memories. It lets you see and remember the good times you had, and most importantly, the difference they made in your life. If you are feeling awful about not doing anything or missing that person, just remember, that if he or she had loved you, or had been a friend to, the thing that they want out of you is for you to be happy.

all the crap of today and last wk.

its not the shouting that pisses me off during the sgl showcase last wk. ITs not about the shouting, but rather the tone. just like the other time. attitude is one thing, tone is another. today i wasn't talking about kimberly at all. we made each other feel bad about the whole incident and i wanted to thank her that she at least apologised to us though it really wasn't her fault. but i was more or less along the lines of talking about elvina when she shouted as the people behind me to shut up. at the time i felt like throwing my laptop at her. there i was sitting there playing cs while waiting for our debrief and Fk. kanna blasted again just because i was in the wrong place at the wrong time. KNS. next time i would probably shout back at her alr. okay MAJOR time to cool down. okay okay cool cool cool. tmw going training-.- i have mixed feelings about it.

why do i feel that way?

why do i feel a loner everywhere i go? from sec sch to church to poly. yeah, i have great friends who i can to anytime, i have great friends who share joys and sorrows with me together, i have great friends who know what i like and wad i would do and vice versa. but seriously? its like today again, i sit down there listening, and i feel left out. and it happens nearly weekly. sometimes i feel like i can get along very well with someone, on other days it feels really outta place. sianz lar.....

its still better to keep everything to yourself. and only a very very very very small group of people

seriously today... i heard my mum and my grandma talk with my two great aunts about an uncle.... wans to invest in the diamond trading crap in south africa..... kinda retarded. poured money into the sea lidat, got scammed tons..... and blame mother. that is the kind of scenario in which i would do wad i wrote in facebook yesterday. this kind of people need a really gd slapping to wake up and really become mature in their thinking and not like a child, blame everyone but not themselves.

its TIMES LIKE theses...... .AGAIN.

sometimes i feel that... they are probably the group of people that i can get along with extremely well.... on other days they are total strangers to me. next time when im organising something, just throw me a straight answer like...... i WANT out. not something like but we had alr done something similar. it appreciated. and i would give the same kinda of answer.

today

badminton, gym, badminton, eat, pool, gym, psping. that was how my day went. suprising no muscle aches YET. tmw gg. hais.. im bored. and i need to start on the new t. can't believe i haven't started. okay.... start now! JYJYJY

what it means to be a leader.

today some agl blasted at us........cause zoe had an asthma attack. i wonder wad is her problem. bad attitude, bad leadership skills. a leader is supposed to lead by example, learn by comments and observations blah blah blah i can list a long list. after all, i was once a leader too. a bad one though. anyways......i burnt. today i got so bored of more than words i just day dreamed off.like man.... repeat repeat repeat and repeat. at least give us a little break here and there? boring day tmw gonna badminton from 10-1! then gym.(:

brothers and sisters fight.

and i seriously do not like her tone to me. 'its not your practise u huh for wad?'i'll say u dunno why i huh then u just shut up and don't utter a single word lar.

brothers and sisters do fight. or rather disagree with each other, get annoyed with each other blah blah blah. some people do annoy me, and i know i do annoy people. well, don't judge. thats wad Our father told us to do and its high time i did it. we are spoilt. us singaporeans. its high time we get outta of our comfort zone and go someone ural to live.

its the small little things.

i went nuts trying to find my ic to photocopy for my overseas trip... then i came across this little blue badge with a letter k on it.....and i don't recall who gave it to me.....

we

overseas camp was....... an eye opener. like i had never been to somewhere that run down? and im certainly spoilt.

okay..... lets go back to day 1.....i reached sch exactly at 630....... and i was complaining about the timing..... we took 30 mins to reach tanah merah terminal..... then we walked in a muddy path, did boom netting? which is more or less is jump from the third level of a fishing trailer into a net. okay okay.... it was quite alright actually. maybe i was kinda scared of jumping but jumped anyway. lol did it 4 times and well.... it was thrilling. LOL. then pitched a tent. more like i slacked and watched the others pitch a tent. i then went looking for firewood, and wow i saw the toliets i went WOW!Lol literally a tent where u can shit in, and guys just anyhow urinate whereas girls dug a hole and x marks the spot. we cooked maggie under the helpful lighting of torchlights and a few random light bulbs powered by a small little generator and a kerosene lamp... my the fire was super comfortable. couldn't slp at all. the sand was uneven, my back hurted like ....... and i changed positions tons of times. the beach was nice, the sea was nice the sun rise and sun set were nice and the STARS Were nice. lol.

day 2. pt was like nuts..... then i kayaked quite a bit. the water was shallow was kayaking on the two seater. i wanna 1 sitter again! (: its nice nice nice. shoulder aches today but still.... nice! LOL
then rained, so no flying fox. heng? i dunno kinda scary?but i prob still go try de. lol. okay... im scared of heights still lol.next up.... games. lol. the ula's staff games were serious brain teasers. i still don't get a game and i dunno how to get past it. lol. ren wei's we take neoprints was FUNNY! LOL.but i think some people are horrendous in making the sgls go over and over and over and over again. they come to me i just make it super easy for them. then....... campfire shouted a little? or rather when i needed to and the making of mascots..... i torch light holder only -.- cheers and skits were gd. lol

day3 ....which is today. woke up did nothing ate alot of bf and lunch, ate maggie for dinner. and....did 50 push ups b4 i fell out. wrist no longer hurts thank goodness then still got nothing actually. lol just pack up and clean up and lots of talk here and there and photos and speeches blah blah blah that i also can give actually. overall the people were nice... great..... splendid lol.

got super pissed off. taxi stand full of people no taxi.... then i just walked in, dropped my phone and all the things are like crap... hais. wasted a sat yesterday and my gpa is 2.7 =.= need to mug next sem no more com and this and tt. cats a, maths b+, mbio c+, ipc c, physio b. okays......hais

nice day.... nice company...... nice wait.(:

well. today was ......... how to say it. lol. a waiter again? but the spinella's was great. lol. oh wait! i nearly forgot about the trip to cold storage and guardian. lol. but i couldn't stand a bro's talk bout someone chaing gfs. asking when do u wan to change ur gf? its like he is asking when are u changing ur clothes? wadtheheck??? well enough of the bad stuff. well talked about the poly forum.......and tessa's malaysia camp, and the modeled speelling mistake. or isit just american spelling? no idea. anyway its was a great day.

sianz. this is screwed. shouldn't had tried singing anymore. in fact i doubt i would ever sing again after this. i can't sing for nuts. this is total fked up. like wad the bloody hell lar. how in the world did i get into choir in the first place. lol. another of the screwed up things that happened in my life. singing.-.-

okay... im bored

saying i love you,
its not the words i wan to hear from you.
its not that i want you, not to say but if u only knew.
how easy, it would be to show me how you feel, more than words,
its all you have to do to make it real,
then you wouldn't have to say,
that you love me,
cause i already know.

im bored. bored to the extent of typing out this dam song that im singing for a performance. and its a duet -.- maybe to be specific, a trio-duet. 3 pairs of people singing different parts.

hmm... cycled to sch yesterday. quite interesting for a change. quite challanging at 1 point not to ram into a tree, and yeah... im still bored. after 3 hrs.... ive watched 200 pounds beauty again, cars and the golden compass. of course, skipped some parts. yawn8 im bored.

surreal, serenity

the soft crunching of the gravel beneath the pair of feet.
the whispers from the insects carried upon the wind.
the captured images upon the tranquil waters.

yesterday

hmm. nothing gave me so much pleasure than seeing the two of them smiling while chatting to each other, besides the fact that it was during the hymns, cause well, im happy that they can have times lidat. guess thats me, getting pleasure not outta people's misery, but from their joy.

had a great time yesterday, it was one in a million. its not that i needed that company, but still, its the company that made my day. like seriously. its the people that counts. but how often do we neglect these people? and yet even more, how often do we take into account what they would have to do, whether would they be able to catch up with us or not, or do they have exams coming up or not.

in a whirpool of emotions right now. or more accurately, a whirpool that had drained me of every feeling now.

lol....when would i meet someone that i like and she feels the same way about me?

class outing.

today.... hmm....

first of all..... I WASTED 40 bucks on arcade????? OMGosh-.- lol. but quite fun though XS i was playing time crisis again ( only game i play) 3 and 4 i think. one handed playing, my arm still hurts. hit the two tires solo. for the helicopter sniping the truck wheels. lol one handed. a first XP

okay. we ate at ljs, bought the chips and fries cause the others are so really super duper ex. then we went to watch.... THE PROPOSAL. LOL i laughed like shit. and zc was teasing jb thrugh out. LOL.

then.... i psped -.- dissadia and gundam. LOL. and we pooled! i played BETTER! lol. okay... dinner was like ............................... waited very long for some place but was playing psp so didn't really notice the time. (classmate's psp) then went to noodle hut or noodle house one of the two. lol. quite .....ex. free flow drinks and ice cream though.

so a day past. i can't wait for tmw. like seriously can't wait.

its the hols, im bored.

okay. today.... bored. i went to my grandmother's place, then i commed quite a bit, searchin for the cca point system for yvonne, sent a poem to celeste for her bluberblu read, and did this and tt this and tt. when my grandmum was scooping ice cream for me and my cousins, my thoughts, turned back to my grandfather, also because of the poem that i sent, and the thought that ive been having for quite some time surfaced again. so many people that i want to know better, to become closer with, to understand and help them along more, yet so little time. cherish.....thats something i learnt in sec 1. lol.. on the way home, walking in, i cried. a few drops of tears, i was in a mix of gladness and sadness. glad that ive been able to know my family, my pri sch friends, my sec sch friends, the churchies, and my current classmates. lol. only 3 ppl got wad i meant. i think.