reminders.

today was urgh. erm. let me clarify. it was urgh because of more or less something. they were talking about passings. and once again i was reminded of my grandfather's passing. zzzzz

well, lets zoom back. hospitalized from i think dec or jan in 2004 or 2005 respectively. i was just doing one thing then. gaming all day long. when my parents went to visit him, i just stayed at home to continue playing. when i do go and visit him, all i do is watch tv. at the time, i still had that sense of security, that bubble of safety, that assured me that nothing is going to happen to him, and i never knew how serious his condition was till it happened, on 21 april, 2005. it was speech day then. just ended performance. i was so happy and excited, borrowing jeremy's hp to ask my parents whether i could stay back for the pizza. then i heard the news. my mind was immediatly filled with this thought. its not true, its not true, it them just joking with me. i slammed my hand aganist the railing and kicked the wall. then through out the mrt ride, 38 mins long from clementi to kembangan i only had a thought and was in SELF denial. which was the same thought. when i reached my grandparent's house, i just literally went plop beside the stairs and started to cry, shocked to the bone.i still remembered i and a classmate fought when he was teasing me then. i just wanted to break his neck then. i still remember me crying in the toilet when i heard that he had left each of us grandchildren 5k. i just went, I DON'T WANT your money. I WANT YOUR PRESENCE! i still remember thinking of the past times when i really had a great time talking with him, his company, and also the things i really regretted doing. and most of all, as i watch the coffin go in, i said these words. I love you grandfather. I love you.


well, this clique is unique. haha. there are stuff we should do, like go overseas together AT LEAST ONCE! haha! an idea from one of them. lols. we do super random stuff like origianlly say wan go sunset to eat, then become bukit panjang. lol. talking about ghost stories as well. haha i guess my its just the thing of the mind thing which is why it doesn't affect me much. like i physco myself into beliving that it is not true. haha. XPXP